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Bill Burr: “I’ll Never Own a Helicopter” - Full Special
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male announcer: FROM NEW YORK CITY,
COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: [cheers and applause]
- ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT, NICE. NICE.
NICE TO BE HERE, THIS BEAUTIFUL THEATER HERE.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TODAY. I'M A LOSER, MAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING? I SITTING AROUND.
I WAS WATCHING THAT SHOW MTV CRIBS.
YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SHOW?
YOU KNOW, THAT SHOW WHERE THEY SHOW ALL THE ROCK STARS'
AND THE RAPPERS' HOUSES AND ALL THEIR STUFF?
DOESN'T THAT SHOW MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A LOSER?
KILLS MY SELF-ESTEEM.
I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING BRITNEY SPEARS.
SHE'S, LIKE, 20 YEARS OLD.
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, THIS IS MY HELICOPTER.
"I HAD IT SPRAY-PAINTED PINK TO MATCH MY TOP TODAY.
"SO COOL.
"I PUT SOME GLITTER ON DUT-DUT-DUT-DUT-DUT PART.
WE'RE GONNA FLY UP TO THE HOUSE."
I'M 34, SITTING ON A FUTON, EATING MACARONI AND CHEESE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD.
"I'M A LOSER! I'LL NEVER OWN A HELICOPTER!"
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THAT SHOW THOUGH?
ALL THEY'RE DOING IS SHOWING YOU
WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN YOU GET RICH.
SERIOUSLY, 'CAUSE NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE SAVING THEIR MONEY.
HALF OF 'EM, ALL THEY HAVE IS ONE HIT ALBUM,
SO SHOULD THEY REALLY BE BUYING ALL OF THAT STUFF?
20-ROOM HOUSE. 17 CARS.
IT'S JUST LIKE, "DUDE, DON'T YOU WATCH
"BEHIND THE MUSIC?
"HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THAT PROGRAM?
"YOU'RE GONNA BE SMOKING CRACK IN, LIKE, SIX WEEKS.
SAVE YOUR MONEY." NO, THEY'RE DUMB.
I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, MAN, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TO BE RICH,
DON'T LOOK AT A RAPPER, DON'T LOOK AT A ROCK STAR,
LOOK AT A GUY LIKE BILL GATES.
THAT DUDE IS SO GOOD AT BEING RICH IT'S, LIKE, IRRITATING.
HE MAKES, LIKE, $30 MILLION A DAY, AND LOOK AT HIM.
HE DRESSES LIKE HE WORKS IN, LIKE, A SHOE STORE,
BUT THAT'S WHY HE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE RICH.
HE'S NOT SHOWING OFF, TRYING TO, LIKE, BUY ALL THIS FLASHY STUFF,
LIKE WALKING AROUND WITH, LIKE, A ICED-OUT LAPTOP MEDALLION
HANGING OFF HIS NECK, HAVE SOME FUZZY PIMP HAT TO THE SIDE,
SITTING IN A HOT TUB WITH SOME BITCHES, YOU KNOW,
HAVE A MIDGET IN HIS CREW JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.
[laughter and applause]
HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT'S THE NEW STATUS SYMBOL OF RICH PEOPLE--
MIDGETS. I'M SERIOUS.
NO ENTOURAGE IS COMPLETE NOW UNLESS YOU HAVE A MIDGET.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S GOOD FOR MIDGETS.
SERIOUSLY, 'CAUSE HISTORICALLY,
THOSE PEOPLE HAVE NOT GOTTEN GOOD JOBS.
EVEN WHEN THEY BOOK A MOVIE,
THEY NEVER GET TO BE THE LEAD, NEVER GET TO BE THE HERO.
THEY ALWAYS GOT TO PLAY, LIKE, A TROLL OR A FAIRY RUNNING OUT
FROM UNDER A BRIDGE, BITING ON SOMEBODY'S LEG.
[gnashing] [laughter]
SO I WAS LISTENING TO GEORGE BUSH TODAY.
YOU GUYS LIKE GEORGE? WELL, YES? NO? I LIKE GEORGE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT GEORGE?
HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I COULD BE PRESIDENT TOO.
[laughter] [cheers and applause]
NO, HE DOES.
HE'S, LIKE, THE FIRST GUY, LIKE, FROM MY READING LEVEL, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, THE FIRST GUY, LIKE, FROM MY MATH CLASS
TO FINALLY GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT GEORGE?
HE CAN'T SAY THE WORD "TERROR." HE CAN'T.
HE USES THE WORD-- EVERY SPEECH, HE CAN'T SAY TERROR.
HE GOES "TER." THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS.
HE GOES, "AMERICA WILL NOT STAND FOR TER,
"ANYBODY WHO SUPPORTS TER.
"IF YOU'RE A TER'IST, WE'RE GONNA GET YOU."
WHAT KIND OF PRESIDENT GOES, "WE'RE GONNA GET YOU"?
[laughter and applause]
HE'S LIKE SOME REDNECK THEY DRAGGED OUT OF A BARBEQUE,
PUT HIM IN A SUIT.
JUST STANDING ON STAGE GOING, "WE'RE GONNA GET YOU."
HE SHOULD JUST BE UP THERE WITH A COUPLE OF BLOODHOUNDS GOING,
"GO GET 'EM, BLUE.
"SMELL THE SHIRT. GO GET 'EM. DAMN, THAT BLUE'S A GOOD DOG."
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I HAVE REALIZED THOUGH.
WHEN YOU GO TO WAR, MAN, THAT'S THE ONE TIME
WHEN YOU REALLY HAVE TO, LIKE, APPRECIATE REDNECKS THOUGH.
NO, YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE REDNECKS, THEY'RE, LIKE,
THE ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT ACTUALLY WANT TO GO TO WAR.
EVERYBODY ELSE TRIES TO GET OUT OF IT.
LIKE, RICH PEOPLE NEVER GO TO WAR.
YOU ASK A COLLEGE KID IF HE WANTS TO GO TO WAR.
HE SAYS LIKE, "UM, I'M TAKING A SOCIOLOGY CLASS,
"AND I THINK WAR IS, LIKE, REALLY STUPID.
"MY ROOMMATE'S, LIKE, HALF AFGHANI,
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