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Rapid Fire Jokes You'll Never See Coming. Bobby Tessel - Full Special
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I had some good fortune
the other day,
I won $50 in the instant lottery,
which, yeah, yeah.
It was very exciting so I quit
my job.
(audience laughing)
I took the annual payments.
(audience laughing)
Before the show, I was walking down
the street and I saw a guy walking
away from his car and his lights
were on.
So I said, Hey, sir, you left
your lights on.
And he looked at me, he goes,
"My lights go off automatically."
I was like, Oh, wow.
Mine do too after six hours.
(audience laughing)
I didn't pay extra for that.
(audience laughing)
Driving to the show tonight,
I saw a sign for a sign store
called signs for less.
It was handwritten.
(audience laughing)
So I'm watching the movie
Goldfinger, not right now.
It's an old James Bond movie
and there's a scene in the beginning
of the movie where James Bond
makes love to this woman.
He leaves the room,
he goes to the kitchen
to get some champagne but he gets
knocked unconscious.
When he comes to, he goes back
to the room, the woman is lying
in the bed, she's been completely
painted gold and she's dead.
That's happened to me twice.
(audience laughing)
I don't understand why we get
popcorn at the movies.
Every time we get popcorn,
we get the piece stuck down
in our teeth, then we're sitting
there for the whole movie flicking
it with our tongue.
The one that little chicken move
that.
(audience laughing)
We can't get it out with our tongues
so we stick our finger down in there
to get it.
But for some reason
we have no tongue to finger
perception because we can't find it
with our finger.
(audience laughing)
We actually have to find it again
with our tongue
and then follow our finger
on our tongue.
(audience cheering)
Friend of mine recently broke
his ankle playing hockey.
And about six months ago, I broke
my ankle playing basketball.
But mine was really stupid because I
was in an arcade playing
that Pop-A-Shot game.
(audience laughing)
Last time I played real basketball,
I was guarding a guy was a lot
bigger than me.
He was, like, pushing me around
and shoving me.
So like one time he was backing me
down the court, I just kind of
licked him.
(audience laughing)
He didn't cross half court
after that.
(audience laughing)
I went fishing for the first time.
My friends told me not to go.
They're like, "it's stupid,
"it's boring, you'll hate it."
I went.
I had a great time.
I was catching fish like left
and right, but the people
at the aquarium were pissed.
(audience laughing)
I think hitting a baseball is
the hardest thing to do in sports.
Because I'm a pretty good athlete
and I went to the batting cages
the other day,
it was pretty embarrassing.
You get 30 pitches for $3.
I get into the cage.
29 misses in a row.
On the 30th pitch I leaned in
and took it in the chest.
(audience laughing)
I'm getting on base.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
So I'm in the bathroom at Target,
not right now.
(audience laughing)
They have a sign on the wall that
says anyone who maliciously defaces
the walls with paint
is guilty of vandalism.
And I thought, if there's some guy
in a Target bathroom
just randomly painting the walls,
I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what
malicious means.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes when I'm bored
and/or feeling mean spirited I like
to go to the grocery store
and I will go up to the deli
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