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The Problem With Being “Too Nice” at Work | Tessa West | TED
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GER-Niveau
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Untertitel (404 Segmente)
So why is it the case
that when we are feeling the most anxious, uncomfortable,
socially awkward versions of ourselves,
when our hearts are pounding and our palms are sweating
and we feel like crawling out of our skin,
are we also the most nice and often generic to the people around us?
I'm a social psychologist,
and I've been studying the science of uncomfortable social interactions
for over 20 years.
So everything from new roommate relationships,
negotiations,
upward feedback with your boss to doctor patient-interactions,
those moments where you need to break in and say,
"Yeah, for the last 20 minutes,
I actually have no idea what you were talking about.
Can we maybe rewind a bit?"
And to study these things,
I look at three main outcomes.
First, I look at what people say, the things we can control,
how friendly we are,
how much we complement one another,
how much we give gracious feedback.
Second, I look at the things that are tougher for us to control,
our nonverbal behaviors, things like fidgeting,
avoiding eye contact, playing with our hair,
doodling even,
even our tone of voice.
And then I look at the things that are impossible for us to control
our under-the-skin responses,
our physiology, our cardiovascular reactivity,
things like blood pressure, heart rate,
these types of things
that we often don't even really realize that we're feeling.
And the way I do this is by having people come into the lab
and interact with each other in a bunch of different settings,
and I have them negotiate with each other,
I have them get acquainted with each other.
And often it's the case that in these interactions,
people are required to give some form of feedback to their partner.
Tell them honestly what they're thinking or feeling,
come in with an offer for a negotiation,
tell them what they could have done better next time.
And I think we all kind of know what it feels like
to be in one of these studies.
You might not know what it would really feel like to be in one of my studies.
There's a lot of equipment involved,
but we plug people up to all of these things
to measure these under-the-skin responses.
We videotape them to capture those behaviors that I just mentioned.
Now, to get us all into this mindset of what it's like to feel awkward,
but maybe potentially a little bit nice,
I want you all to think
about what was the last awkward interaction that you had.
OK, so keep this thought in your mind.
You can think about it for a few moments,
because in a couple minutes,
I'm actually going to randomly call on someone based on your seat
to have you come up
and share your story of what that moment felt like.
So before we do that,
I just want you all to kind of get a sense of the typical pattern that we see
when people are engaging in these interactions.
So we bring them into the lab,
we hook them up to all this equipment
and within moments, within the first 20 seconds,
we start to see those stress responses that I mentioned.
Their heart rate goes up, their blood pressure increases.
It doesn't take much to get people to start to feel anxious.
Next, we see it in those nonverbal behaviors.
They start to fidget,
they avoid eye contact,
they pull their chair a couple inches away
from the person who's sitting next to them,
in an effort just to get a little bit more distance.
One of my favorite findings is in doctor-patient interactions,
uncomfortable doctors,
they look down at the chart more,
or they look more at the computer screen
instead of making eye contact with those patients.
So let's all return to your awkward moment.
Does everyone have an awkward moment in mind or thinking about one?
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