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The Science Behind Dramatically Better Conversations | Charles Duhigg | TED
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So I'm going to ask you to participate in an experiment,
which is that when you leave this room,
when you go out into the world,
today, tomorrow, whenever you feel like it,
I'd like you to ask and answer one question
of someone who's a stranger.
You might meet them on the bus
or walking down the street.
And I'm going to show you the question
that I'm going to ask you to ask and answer.
The question is:
When was the last time you cried in front of someone?
Now just out of curiosity,
how many of you are really excited about this experiment?
No hands went up whatsoever.
And that makes sense, right?
Because, like, there can be nothing that seems more intimidating
or less fun than finding a stranger,
asking them when they've cried in front of someone else,
and then telling them about the time you cried in front of someone else.
But I'm going to try and convince you over the next few minutes
that this experiment is not only worth doing,
it’s worth doing whenever you can.
Because it will make your life better.
And to explain how I got to this,
I have to tell you a little bit of a story about me and my wife.
A few years ago, we got into this bad pattern.
We've been married for 20 years,
but I would come home from a long day at the office.
I was a reporter at "The New York Times" at that point,
and I would start complaining about my day,
about how I'm not appreciated enough.
And my wife, very reasonably, would offer me some great advice.
She would say something like,
“Why don’t you take your boss out to lunch,
and you guys can get to know each other a little bit better?"
And instead of being able to hear her, I would get even more upset.
I would say things like, "Why aren't you supporting me?
You should be outraged on my behalf."
And she would get upset because I was attacking her for giving me good advice.
Anyone ever had an experience like this?
It was not a good situation.
And so I started talking to researchers
who were studying communication.
I asked them, why am I getting into this pattern?
And they said, "You're making a mistake."
We're living through this golden age of understanding communication,
really for the first time
because of advances in neural imaging and data collection.
And they said, one of the big things that we've learned
is that we tend to think of a discussion as being just one conversation, right?
We're talking about one thing, my day,
or the kids' grades, what to have for dinner.
But what they said is that actually,
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