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FIFA Gives Trump a Gold Pacifier & Looming War on Venezuela Gives Jon Iraq Déjà Vu | The Daily Show
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Welcome. [cheering]
Hello.
Pleasure to be here tonight.
[cheering and applause]
We got
We got a good one. We got a good one for
you tonight. A great one for you
tonight. Later on the program, I'll be
joined by Malalia Yafsai. She'll be
coming on the program. [cheering]
Activist, author, producer, youngest
Nobel Prize winner in history.
>> YEAH.
[cheering]
>> [applause]
>> And look at you people out there. She's
the YOUNGEST NOBEL PRIZE WINNER. WHAT
ARE YOU DOING? I'M THINKING about maybe
getting into writing. I don't know.
[laughter]
Guy in the audience. I tell you why. He
wants to be a comedy writer. HOW DO I
BECOME A COMEDY WRITER? I TELL HIM and
he goes, "Yeah, that might be fun."
[laughter]
Uh, seems like seems like a lot of work.
[laughter]
Let's get into the big story this
weekend. FIFA. The World Cup is going to
be held in the Americas, the United
States, Canada, and Mexico. And there
was great suspense around No, not who
would be in this year's group of death
or how FIFA would find a way to
over Scotland. No, it was who would win
FIFA's INAUGURAL PEACE PRIZE. OH,
BECAUSE NO, IT'S INAUGURAL FIFA PEACE
PRIZE. BECAUSE WHEN I THINK OF ONE SPORT
that fosters peaceful coexistence,
[laughter]
it's the beautiful game. All right, here
we go. Who's it going to be?
>> Please welcome the very first winner of
the FIFA Peace Prize, the 45th and 47th
President of the United States of
America, Mr. Donald J. Trump. Please.
[applause]
>> Oh my god. I can't believe he won. Hey
everybody.
Oh my god. I'm so surprised.
[laughter]
Oh my god. HE WON THE PRIZE specifically
created to appease him. The FIFA appease
prize.
>> Mr. President, this is your
prize. This is your peace prize. There
is also a beautiful medal for you that
you can wear everywhere you want to go
[laughter]
right now. Okay, let me hold. Ah,
fantastic. Excellent.
[applause]
No, [cheering]
not not Boo. Enjoy that. HE'S SOING
WEIRD. ENJOY THAT. THE MAN JUST GOT A
MADEUP PEACE prize and his first move is
like took all, you know, he's so thirsty
he's not even going to bag IT. HE'S
LIKE, "NO, JUST WEAR IT OUT OF THE
STORE. NO WORRIES." [laughter]
I don't want to say anything. I don't
know if you guys got a good look at the
trophy,
[laughter]
but come on.
I think its design somewhat reflects in
all likelihood how it was conceived. I
take you to that meeting now.
Why do WE GOT TO INVENT SOME PRIZE JUST
TO SATISFY SOME FRAGILE EGOOMANIAC?
Trump is so needy. It's like the world
always has to reach out AND STROKE HIS
BALLS.
ALWAYS. OH, DONALD, you're such a good
[cheering] leader. Oh,
you're such a man OF PEACE.
OH, YOU'RE A MAN OF PEACE. [cheering]
I LOVE YOU.
You're the most peaceful man. THEY'RE
LIKE, "WAIT, HOLD THAT POSE." [laughter]
FERGUSON, I THINK YOU'RE ON TO
SOMETHING. [laughter]
SERIOUSLY,
come on. The craziest part wasn't
necessarily Donald Trump being awarded
an entirely fictitious golden butt plug.
>> [laughter]
>> It was the cognitive dissonance of
flipping over to the news channels post
peace ceremony.
>> Trump administration ramping up pressure
on Nicholas Maduro
>> on the brink of war with Venezuela.
>> Possibility of regime change.
>> President Trump giving him a stern
ultimatum. Leave the country or else?
>> The brink of war.
President Trump.
[laughter]
Did this meaningless award mean nothing
to you?
[laughter]
The the whole world was tickling your
balls
and and and and Trump Trump was like, "I
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