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I have No Patience For Stupid People. Mike James - Full Special
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(audience cheering)
- Yes, Provo what's going on?
How are we doing?
(audience cheering)
Appreciate it, man.
I'm so excited to be here.
(audience laughing)
I am excited about it, really.
Really, I'm excited
because the COVID numbers,
they were going back up.
I was nervous about that.
I thought we were going to have
to go back on lockdown.
I can't do that, not again.
I'm married with two kids.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if y'all remember.
Y'all remember at the beginning
of the pandemic how positive
we were?
It was like, maybe this is God's way
of saying that we need to be
around the people that we love.
(audience laughing)
I felt like that for two hours,
and I was like,
I got to get out of here.
I'll take my chance with COVID.
(audience laughing)
It's so much, man.
I had to home school.
Anybody had to do that?
I was like, man, did y'all see
my grades in school?
I am not qualified to do this.
(audience laughing)
I had to home school, and I did not
like that, because at the time,
my kids were going
to a private school,
so I had to pay the school
to home school,
(audience laughing)
which was
a little confusing to me.
Because I've never had a pimp
before, so I'm like, yo,
I don't really like this.
(audience laughing)
It was rough,
going through COVID man.
Shout out to everybody, every couple
that made it through COVID.
It was rough.
I don't care how long you've been
together, how much you love
that person.
At some point during COVID,
you hated them.
(audience laughing)
I knew my wife hated me.
I did.
I knew.
You know when I knew?
I knew when she told me I breathed
too much.
I didn't even know that was a thing.
(audience laughing)
It's like, how do you breathe
too much?
(audience laughing)
We were just watching a movie.
She was just sitting there looking
at me ugly like.
(audience laughing)
I was like, what?
She was like,
"why do you breathe so much?"
(audience laughing)
I was like, I'm trying not to die.
What do you do?
(audience laughing)
I've been watching TV like crazy,
man.
So much on TV.
Saw this one thing.
On the news, I think it was.
This guy needed a kidney transplant,
and he couldn't find a match.
He was on a donor's list.
Nobody on the donor's list
was a match.
His family wasn't a match,
none of his friends.
Finally, at the 11th hour,
he found out his wife was
a perfect match.
She gave him a kidney,
and he's doing great.
Me and my wife, we saw it and were
like, wow, that's crazy, right?
Then my wife said, "I hope nothing
"like that ever happens to you."
(audience laughing)
I know what you're thinking.
She was cool.
(audience laughing)
She was like, "I hope nothing
"like that ever happens to you,"
she said.
"But if it does, I pray that I can be
"the one to give you a kidney."
I know, right?
I was like, that's so sweet,
but I would rather die.
(audience laughing)
You out of your mind?
You think I want my wife giving me
a kidney?
Fellas, that is our worst nightmare,
to have your wife
hang that over your head.
(audience laughing)
You think you've got to hear
her mouth now?
Let her give you a kidney.
She will be waiting for stuff
to happen.
As soon as she walks in the house,
"I know he did not do the dishes.
"I asked him to do it.
"You don't appreciate anything I do.
"You don't appreciate me.
"I gave you a kidney.
"You don't appreciate that.
"You know what?
"Go ahead, give my kidney back."
Man, I can't take this kidney out.
(audience laughing)
Dudes, we try to be tough.
Girl, take this kidney back.
I don't even need it.
I don't even need it.
No, I don't need no kidney.
No, get out of here.
I'm straight without a kidney.
No, I'm not going to die.
I'm straight.
I don't need it.
Get out, just get out.
I'm cool.
I don't need no kidney.
No, I'm not dying.
I'm fine.
I'm just a little sleepy.
I'm going to just chill right here
for a second.
No, I'm cool.
No, get out.
I'll get my own kidney.
As a matter of fact,
I don't need a kidney.
No, I'm sleepy.
I'm just going to chill right here
for a second.
I'm cool.
Hey, can you call the paramedics,
please?
(audience laughing)
I'm not going to lie,
I feel like I get on the floor,
that I deserved a little more
reaction.
(audience cheering)
It's OK.
It's OK.
It's too late.
(audience laughing)
It feels forced.
(audience laughing)
It was rough, man.
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