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Break-Ups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken | Gary Lewandowski | TEDxNavesink
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Translator: Ailie McCorkindale
"So, we need to talk."
Hearing those four simple words from your relationship partner
never feels good.
Your heart sinks, palpitates,
your stomach flutters, your palms get sweaty
because it's never, "We need to talk about what a great relationship we have,
how we're best friends
and how we'll spend the rest of our lives together."
It's never that.
It's always, "We need to talk about the beginning of the end."
And whether your relationship is awful, good or great,
we don't like endings, we don't like to lose things,
and especially, we don't like to lose things that are important to us.
And make no mistake,
relationships are the single most important thing to you in your life.
It's the source of all of your best memories.
It's the source of all of your worst memories.
When you think back on your life, when you're 95, 100 years old,
and you look back over the course of your lifetime,
you're not going to think, "I wish I owned a better phone.
I wish I spent more time on the Internet.
I wish I spent more time at work or sleeping."
It's not going to be any of those kinds of things.
It's going to be, "I wish I spent more time with the people I love"
because our relationships, they build us, they define us, they sustain us,
and they can break us too.
And we know relationship break-up can be tough, right?
The research is pretty clear:
loneliness, depression, increased crime, increased drug use.
Some of my own research shows
that break-ups lead you to experience a loss of self,
so when you lose a relationship,
part of who you are as a person goes with it
because relationships are important.
And it's bad, don't get me wrong, it can be bad,
but it's often not as bad as we think.
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon and Northwestern
asked people who are currently in happy relationships
to look out into the future, to make a prediction,
and they said, you know, "If your relationship were to end,
how bad would you feel about it?"
And then, those researchers do what researchers do is they waited.
And they waited for those people, those happy, happy relationships,
they waited for those people to break up.
(Laughter)
Because only then could they actually see how bad was it, right?
They waited for them to break up and said, "So, how bad is it now that you broke up?"
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