Three Kingdoms - OverSimplified

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I wonder who it could be?

Ancient China.

The sun is shining.

The birds are singing.

The children are playing in the village square.

What a wonderful time to be alive!

Hey, the Yellow River flooded again and destroyed all your crops.

And also, we're being raided by nomadic tribesmen.

And also, this period of Chinese history may be entirely mythical, meaning you may not even exist.

Well, that would certainly explain the laser eyes.

Chinese civilization began around the year 2000 BC when the possibly mythical Xia dynasty was formed.

Throughout China's history, dynasties would usually rise up with a powerful leader who worked for the good of the people.

But over time, the leaders would become more corrupt and self-serving.

Someone would inevitably build a lake of alcohol, and the angry populace would overthrow them,

giving way for a new dynasty to rise.

Following this pattern, the Xia dynasty was replaced by the Shang, who liked bronze and writing.

But then the leaders got corrupt, and were replaced by the Zhou, who liked iron and philosophy.

But that one sort of just fell apart, and was replaced by the Qin, who liked building walls and people made out of rock.

But they were pretty tyrannical from the start, and were quickly replaced by the Han,

who liked creating new trade routes and getting in touch with their emotions.

In line with this pattern, the Han dynasty came about under the strong and popular leadership of Emperor Gao Zhu.

The dynasty remained firmly in place for over four centuries, and was considered a golden age in Chinese history.

Developing new forms of art, political thinking, technology, oh, looks like all the leaders got corrupt.

See, probably the biggest problem in ancient China's political system that allowed so much corruption to come about all the time,

was a little something called court culture.

Let me explain.

Imagine for me, if you will, that you are the son of the Chinese emperor.

Hooray!

Now apart from how weird it is that you have a ton of stepmoms, and many of them would like to kill you,

and also all of your friends are middle-aged dudes with no dongs, life's pretty alright.

One day, your father says,

Son, I know our relationship hasn't been the best, and I've never said this before, but I just want to let you know that,

I love you-

Oh no, I'm having a heart attack!

Look at you.

Now you're the emperor.

I'm so proud of you.

But wait, you are but a child and have no idea how to rule over a massive empire.

Fret not, because just about everyone in your court wants to help you out with that.

Hey man, remember me?

I'm your mom's bro.

Anyway, I heard you needed someone to rule over China for you.

I mean, to help you rule China.

So hey, here's a popsicle.

I hope we can get along.

No way man, we've been your friends and your personal caretakers your whole life,

and even though we may have no dongs,

I think you should give us all the power to rule China.

I mean, help you rule China.

So who will you be influenced by?

Your scheming uncle, or your loyal eunuchs?

And towards the end of the Han Dynasty,

a string of child emperors allowed more and more power to fall into the hands of the eunuchs.

Oh no, now they're scheming too!

They began handing out government jobs for bribes,

heavily taxing the poor for their own wealth.

And while you're sitting there eating your popsicle,

everyone in your court is literally murdering each other to try and consolidate more power and riches for themselves.

While all the peasants are outside like,

Hey, did you guys know there's been a drought out here for two years?

Guys?