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Stand-Up Battle with Jerry Seinfeld
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-Right now, we're about to go head-to-head
in the first-ever "Tonight Show" Stand-Up Battle.
Now, here's how this works.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is the Stand-Up Generator,
and we'll each take turns hitting this button right here,
which will randomly select the name of a short stand-up routine
written by you, Jerry Seinfeld. -This is some of my stuff. Yeah.
-Yes, and we'll perform it as best as we can.
-Now, you know this is all set up.
This is not real.
[ Laughter ]
No, it's real. It's real.
No, they are going to decide, right?
-Yes, they're going to decide, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cowbell clinks ]
We'll perform it as best we can. At the end, we'll decide
once and for all who is the better Jerry Seinfeld,
me or Jerry Seinfeld.
-Jerry,
since you wrote all these bits,
why don't you go first? We'll start the generator.
-All right, start the generator.
-Yeah, here we go. -Wow.
-You press the thing when you're ready to go.
-Hey. Those are really my bits on there.
-Those are your bits.
-"Wait up." -"Wait up."
All right. Now, this bit is called "Wait Up."
It's on cue cards. Do you remember the bit?
-I do. I remember this one.
This is actually part of a Halloween routine.
This is a good bit.
-Okay. -You're going to --
Let's see you follow this.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] -Here he is, Jerry Seinfeld.
-All right. So,
one of the things that's different about being a kid
is kids don't want other kids to wait.
They want them to wait up.
"Would you wait up?"
Everything with kids is "up." Wait up. Hold up. Shut up.
Mama, clean up. Just let me stay up!
With parents, it's the opposite. Everything is down.
Calm down.
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