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Homeowners Associations: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)
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♪ ("LAST WEEK TONIGHT" THEME PLAYS) ♪
Our main story tonight concerns home ownership.
So if you are under 35, honestly,
this story isn't for you.
It'll never be for you.
You will never own a home.
Sorry, that is the deal that you made
when you decided to be born after 1988.
But we didn't want you to feel left out
so we've actually prepared a full alternative story for you tonight
-about Chuck E. Cheese. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
A different crumbling American institution
that you should go watch now instead.
This is real. It is 25 minutes long,
and you can find it at...
Please go do that now because there is genuinely
nothing for you to see here.
Okay, for everyone who remains,
this story is about HOAs,
which stands for Homeowners Associations.
Not, as you might've thought, Horse on Adderall
which I believe is the potential sequel
to Cocaine Bear.
HOAs, also sometimes known as community associations,
are entities set up to govern groups of homes,
like a suburban neighborhood development
or condos,
and often make local news
as the villains in stories like this.
JOE DUCEY: It's a simple story of a man with some simple needs.
Sit down and have his little chips and a soda if he wants
and say hello to some people.
DUCEY: Tanya's talking about her neighbor, Ted...
I'll be 92 in September.
DUCEY: ...and the bench outside his door.
I have a place I like to come out here and sit and relax.
DUCEY: Notices from his HOA,
the Bethany Villa Association, saying simply...
TANYA: The man deserves a place to rest
and enjoy nature and eat his little snacks
and say hello to people and pet puppies.
Yeah!
Let that man have his fucking bench!
He deserves to eat snacks and pet puppies,
which is, by the way, the single greatest way
you could spend a day.
Nothing tops that.
If on the day that your baby was born,
a friend came and told you that they spent the afternoon
eating snacks and petting puppies,
they had a better day than you did.
The miracle of life can't compete
with the simple joy of munching snacks
and scratching backs.
Nom nom nom nom nom, and this is true, a rub rub.
Also, quick shoutout to Tanya there,
the neighbor billed by that local station as simply,
"Neighbor and Ted Fan."
She may be a Ted fan, but I for one am a Tanya fan
because I see the effort that it takes
to put on a full face first thing in the morning
and go on the news just to say, "Stop fucking with Ted!"
But that is not a one-off.
Stories of HOAs being petty are legion.
A valley homeowner says her HOA wants to fine her
because she installed artificial grass.
A homeowners association told one San Antonio family
their holiday decorations are up too early,
so they gotta come down.
I got lots and lots of letters from the HOA
telling me to stop feeding the ducks.
I mean, when you receive a violation
for a tree not being tree-shaped,
it boggles your mind.
Yeah, of course it does.
Because what does, "not tree-shaped" even mean?
If it has branches, bark, and a place for a squirrel
to store some nuts and get some fucks, it's a tree.
It's tree-shaped by definition.
The fact is, a lot of people live in HOAs.
(READS PROMPT)
And it's actually increasingly hard
to find a home that doesn't come with one,
as of all the new single family homes sold in 2021,
82 percent were in an HOA.
That's up from...
Which is pretty remarkable, given that when
one local station asked viewers how they felt about their HOA,
the results were nearly universally negative
with one notable exception.
DUCEY: This was a rare comment...
But it was quickly followed with,
"Don't count yourself lucky too soon.
Every HOA is just one vote away from hellish nightmares."
Wow.
"One vote away from hellish nightmares"
is a pretty intense comment.
It's also, incidentally, the DNC's sole campaign message
for the last two elections.
So if they are this widely used and this widely loathed,
tonight, let's look at HOAs.
What they are, what purpose they serve,
and the surprising powers they have
to wreak havoc in people's lives.
And let's start with the basics,
courtesy of this old explainer video.
Just what is a community association?
The association is a legal entity
created as the result of a planned community.
A board of directors is responsible
for governing your association.
Working together with the board members
and committee members
can ensure that your community will run smoothly
and effectively.
After all, board members are owners just like yourself.
Okay, you can really tell that video was from the '90s.
Not just because it's shot with a quality
that can only be described as, "after school porno,"
but also because the board in question
is just three men and one woman
that they all ignore.
In other words, almost every '90s sitcom.
The point is,
HOAs are run by elected boards of your fellow homeowners.
And they require the payment of dues,
which average around 200 to 300 dollars a month,
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