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Best of: John Mulaney | Netflix Is A Joke
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- Being married's so nice.
I never knew relationships
were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.
(audience laughing) That's not really a joke,
that's just a little sweet thing I like to say.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I've been in relationships
where I got cheated on, like long ones.
I dunno if you've ever been in a long relationship
where you got cheated on,
but it changes your whole world view.
'Cause like when I was a kid,
I used to watch America's Most Wanted,
you know how kids do.
(audience laughing)
And I would always think to myself,
"How could another person kill someone?
"How could a human being kill another human being?"
And then I got cheated on,
and I was like, "Oh, okay."
(audience laughing)
"I'm not gonna do it, but I totally get it."
And I don't mean in that way of like,
"No one else can have you",
like I don't care about that,
it's just creepy to have an ex out there
after things have ended badly.
They have a lot of information.
Anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents
needs to die, I can't have them roaming around.
(audience laughing)
Strange, the passage of time.
(audience laughing)
I'm not that old, I'm 35.
That is not old, but I am in a new phase
right before old, called gross.
(audience laughing)
I never knew about this, but I am now gross.
I am damp all the time.
I am damp now, and I will be damp later.
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