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The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester
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Transcriber: Abdulrahman Sallam Reviewer: Raúl Higareda
(Applause)
I’m going to ask you to participate in an experiment,
which is that when you leave this room, when you go out into the world,
today, tomorrow, or whenever you feel like it,
I’d like you to ask and answer one question of someone who’s a stranger.
You might meet them on the bus or walking down the street.
I’m going to show you the question I’m going to ask you to ask and answer.
The question is,
“When was the last time you cried in front of someone?”
Now, just out of curiosity,
how many of you are really excited about this experiment?
No hands went up whatsoever. And that makes sense, right?
Because there can be nothing that seems more intimidating or less fun
than finding a stranger, asking them when they’ve cried in front of someone else,
and then telling them about the time you cried in front of someone else.
But I’m going to try and convince you
that this experiment is not only worth doing,
it’s worth doing whenever you can, because it will make your life better.
To explain how I got to this,
I’ve to tell you a little bit of a story about me and my wife.
A few years ago, we got into this bad pattern.
We’d been married for 20 years, but I’d come home from a long day at the office,
I was a reporter at the New York Times at that point,
and I’d start complaining about my day, about how I’m not appreciated enough.
And my wife, very reasonably, would offer me some great advice.
Like, “Why don’t you take your boss out to lunch?
You guys can get to know each other better.”
And instead of being able to hear her, I would get even more upset.
And I would say things like,
“Why aren’t you supporting me? You should be outraged on my behalf.”
And she would get upset
because I was attacking her for giving me good advice.
This was not... Anyone ever had an experience like this?
It was not a good situation.
And so, I started talking to researchers who were studying communication.
I asked them, “Why am I getting into this pattern?”
They said, “Well, you’re making a mistake.”
We’re living through this golden age of understanding communication,
really for the first time,
because of advances in neural imaging and data collection.
They said one of the big things that we’ve learned
Is that we tend to think of a discussion as being just one conversation.
We’re talking about one thing: my day, or the kids’ grades,
or what to have for dinner.
But what they said is that actually,
each discussion contains many different conversations.
In general, these conversations tend to fall into one of three buckets.
There’s these practical conversations, where we’re talking about
what this is all about, what we’re really discussing.
But then there’s emotional conversations, where we’re talking about how we feel,
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